Recently, I watched Lilo and Stich on Netflix. It’s one of
those movies that I have memories watching as a child but I don’t ever really
remember liking it. I thought perhaps some time away would make me nostalgic
for my childhood so I returned out of curiosity to form an “adult” impression.
What struck me most was how desperately Lilo wanted friends
and to feel like she was normal at the beginning of the movie. I don’t remember
latching onto that as a kid but it’s something I’ve struggled with my whole
life as I’m sure so many others have as well.
Socially, I’m an extrovert. Having grown up with two older
sisters who were both out of the house before my tenth birthday, in combination
with having very few close peer relationships, this means that I’ve become very
independent in a way that gives the illusion of introversion.My elementary years are getting fuzzier but I do know that they were characterized by comparing myself to others, inevitably never feeling good enough, and finding myself lonely, even when surrounded by friends. (It amazes me that even now, these things are still some of my greatest struggles). I grew up wanting
very much to be a part of a tightknit group but because I was so easily
self-sufficient I ended up bouncing from social group to social group all the way
through junior high and even into high school. .Thanks to a brave and beautiful
Theater teacher, I started coming out of my shell in high school. However, it
wasn’t until tenth grade that I learned what the kinds of people that I wanted
to surround myself with looked like and that I didn’t have to take people’s
crap if I didn’t want to.
After that, college was just too easy. I was blessed with
the most beautiful woman of God for a roommate and we’ve lived together ever
since. I found a wonderful community and a church home where I can worship
alongside brothers and sisters of all ages and be cherished while making much
of God who so deserves our praise. But every once in a while all those feelings
of loneliness come creeping back and I feel like I’m back at my school
wondering how to fit in again.
I started following Jesus Christ when I was seven years old,
although I obviously didn’t understand what that looked like until much later.
I am blessed to have grown up in a home that made church and Christ a priority
and, thanks to college, I no longer take that for granted. I’ve been told my
whole life that Christ is faithful and that He won’t ever leave me or forsake
me (Deut 31:6). However, most of the time, this truth has been wrapped up in cheesy bookmarks or posters and I've never really heard a serious take on the idea of God's presence.
In reality, walking with Christ can get lonely. That’s a
thing. I wish more people would admit it so that the rest of us wouldn’t feel
so, well, alone. You can be surrounded by brothers and sisters, grounded in
good teaching, and spending time with Christ and still feel alone. I mean, hello! Christ is an immaterial, eternal,
Spiritual being and we’re puny imperfect humans. The beauty in this is that
Christ has made a way for us to connect and be in communion with His Father,
the Almighty God, by sacrificing his own sinless life for our sake. And as
believers, by grace, we’re able to stand in front of this Holy God justified
(just-as-if-I’d never sinned) to spend eternity making much of His Name. And
that’s beautiful perfection if you ask me.
But also, I think there’s this concept of emotionality that
we’ve created where we expect huge, impactful feelings on a regular basis in
our walk with God. Oftentimes you’ll see it in worship and prayer and it’s easy
to wonder why you aren’t feeling the
Spirit moving in the same way as those around you.
But the thing is, God doesn’t promise us emotions. The
Spirit isn’t obligated to make us feel
something. So when we put these very human expectations on a non-human being,
we’re sure to be let down or feel like we’re doing something wrong. I’ve
questioned my own salvation too many times in the past fifteen years because I
spent so much time comparing my emotional faith state to that of the people
around me. What a waste of time and what a trap to be caught in by the Devil!
So, ya, I get lonely sometimes, even though I know, without
a doubt, that Christ is with me. And that’s ok. That’s part of being human! We
can’t make ourselves guilty over it when it happens. Chances are, most of the time we’re focusing too closely
on this life and need only to set our minds and hearts back on Christ to soothe
the loneliness, anyways. But it’s easy to get focused on pain and then
continue in a spiral of self-pity. When I’m missing my family or wishing my
relationship status were different, or wondering why I am the way that I am in
social situations, I need to remember that I have brothers and sisters to lean
on for support and point me back to Christ.
I cannot continue to pridefully rely on my own independence
when it comes to these types of things, though it’s tempting to try. I need
community to encourage me and remind me of who I am in Christ and I think that’s
biblical. Just look at all of Paul’s letters. He was constantly reminding his
churches of what Christ did for them and how that changes who they are.
We need to stop trying to put human characteristics on a God
who is very much not human but we also need to remember that it’s ok to be
human ourselves and not spiral into self-condemnation over our own emotions.
Conviction is from the Spirit but condemnation in believers is from the Devil
and we cannot give him a foothold (Romans 8:1, Eph 4:27*). But ultimately, we
need to remember who Christ is and what He’s done for us. When we focus on Him,
everything else dims in comparison and we have a better understanding of who we
are because we are His.
It’s natural not to feel huge emotional things at points in
your walk with God and it’s ok to feel lonely sometimes. Don’t look around and
compare yourself with your brothers and sisters, though. No good can come of
that game. Instead, look to Christ and surround yourself with people who will
continue to point you to him when you lose sight of the eternal.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let
your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be
anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in
Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen
in me – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians
4: 4-9
*Technically, that verse is talking about anger but I think
it’s true of any sinful emotions. When we let ourselves be filled with anger,
loneliness, or bitterness, we’re giving the Devil an opportunity to attack us,
to the point of welcoming him.
